My name is Malaika and I've been through it all.
Almost every emotion is easy to describe to the mind. No one needs to tell you when you're angry. Or afraid. Or sad. Or happy.
But how do I describe what I feel now?
Subtly hidden in the grey lines of emptiness, self torture, anger, fear and relief is Regret.
The thing about this feeling is. It comes from something we once enjoyed… or feared. And sometimes it arises from something totally out of your control. Like asking why you were born in the first place.
Its a Thursday and I look through a curly metal protector and out a window.
The faint sunlight pierces my eyes, floods my memory… and now the flood makes its way to my eyes. I close them as tightly as I can and feel the peppered sting of salt mixed with chemicals of displeasure.
I suddenly now feel an urge to swallow. But my tongue becomes a barrier to something that was once smooth. like wine.
Almost automatic.
Two words - each with a leash - battle for a chance to break me.
Why and If.
Why did I?
If I had…
There are days I regret not doing enough. And there are days I regret doing it at all.
There are days I regret not living enough.
And then there are days…
Days like this.
I'm tempted just like everybody else in my shoes to pass the blame.
Blame it on her. On them. On him. On us.
Blame it on anybody but me.
Maybe its my human nature.
But maybe thats another blame.
I look away from the clouds and the window and look at a clock ticking noisily on my off-white wall.
If I lived forever, would my regret diminish with time?
Or would it compound till it drove me off the edge.
Funny how time speaks to me now.
Clearly.
At the moment when it doesn't matter anymore.
Like that hypocritical friend saying I told you so afterwards.
The feeling which started with light piercing my eyes… down to my throat… has now descended to my chest.
Gravity.
The gravity!
Why.
If.
The thing about regret is. It comes from something we once enjoyed. Or feared. Or something totally out of our control.
Thats why my clock keeps ticking… speaking!
Yet deep down I know.
I'll probably not do. Or do something I'll regret again.
And I FEAR. that I'll ENJOY. what I HATE.
Because its out of my control.
Somewhere in the Grey.
